How to get Rid of a Boy

I'm non-committal. I struggle with the idea of caring about someone and taking that risk they might not care about me. So I sabotage relationships. Here are my 10 tested tips:

1. Be Super Needy- Ask for things you know you cant have. And when he says he can't give them to you, wait 2 days and ask again. Call him before 6am. Realize he has 30 minutes of free time a day and monopolize it.
2. Overstep Your Authority- Yes, he might have made it 33 years without you but now he needs you to tell him what to do. Be nosey. Tell him to leave his wife. Change his name to suit you. Tell him the way he raises his kid is wrong. Tell him he is unhappy and should fix it. 'Cause at 24 you know EVERYTHING.
3. Threaten to Tell His Wife- Because this will build trust between the two of you. And encourage him to do what you want.
4. Call him a Liar- dredge up all those doubts you have and spew them all at him at one time.
5. Cry- Men love it when chicks cry for no apparent reason. Try not to tell him why you are crying either.
6. Call him Names- you know, like a bully on the playground.
7. Overshare- Tell him about your period. Tell him about your drama. Make sure to whine. Tell him about crazy shit that happened years ago. If you run out of crap, lie.
8. Be mean and crazy- If you've made it to this point and he is still around, you must have some amazing tataas. Just start doing crazy mean shit.
9. Tell him you Hate him- Try to find a situation where it might just come off as legit. And say it with a straight face. Maybe cry. Or even better, text it to him so its even more confusing. Tell him to never contact you again.

- At this point he should be long gone. If he isn't its time to really evaluate if he is the boy of your dreams or if he is a crazy stalker. If he is the boy of your dreams proceed to step 10-

10. Tell him your Crazy in Love with him- Cross your fingers he loves you back. Stop playing games and hold on to him. I'm not really sure your going to find another one like this.